It's weird to have immersed yourself in a discipline that questions and attempts to clarify the makeup of and reasons for existence, but find yourself on a Friday night, half drunk and half sick, feeling like you're back at square one.
This week, a dear, old friend of mine lost his older brother to suicide. Today, I went to the funeral home to show my support, and it was as if I felt every ounce of sorrow being expressed in every fiber of my being. I recognize I can't even begin to imagine the sort of sadness that the family feels, because, despite the pain, there is still an element of remove for me. But what I'm trying to explain is that watching them cry over the body, hold each other in their sorrow and desperation, was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I was a voyeur on what should have been a private moment, only for them. As we always do in these situations, we relate it to ourselves; put ourselves in their place and wonder how we would act/react if it were a member of our own immediate family who took his or her life. Jesus, it was so horrible. It makes you feel so helpless, so embarrassed, because there's absolutely nothing you can say that doesn't seem trite or meaningless.
Immediately after going to the funeral home, I had to teach a class at the Lexington Arts and Science Center. It was supposed to be fun and happy; it was, quite simply, a class on cats--for the K-3rd grade set--but it seemed every personal story that came up involved some sort of cat death, to the point that one kid even commented on it (quite amusingly, I might add). I guess it helped a little, but keeping 13 hyper children under control is never fun after the emotional tumult of what came before. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), I sit here with a slamming headache, despite taking acetaminophen, despite having a couple of beers--just sort of feeling sorry for myself. And feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself.
Don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of the night. Probably drink some more. I have a DVD of the film Troy; I'll probably watch that. Nice, uplifting stuff from Homer, no?--but maybe that's just what I need. I need to wallow a bit in the confusing, beautiful horror that makes up our lives. Anger, fear, love, happiness, hate, sorrow, death, destruction. I need to remind myself that in the pursuit of understanding and explaining, we still don't get any further in preventing it from affecting us.
The lessons never stop coming full circle, then they begin again.
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Addendum:
Troy deviated too much from the original epic for me to enjoy it fully. Plus, there were way too many models posing as actresses who cried pretty, pretty tears. Give me some real acting, girls. Nevertheless, the main themes of honor and sacrifice remained, and that provided some succor for my hurting soul.
Eric Bana (as Hector) gave the stand-out performance of the film. I was more impacted by Hector in both the literary and cinematic works than any of the other characters. Rock star Achilles (represented in the film as less of a hothead, and more as conflicted) was persuasive at times, but Hector was an honorable everyman who clung steadfastly to his duty, yet who at his core, longed for a normal existence. That (for various reasons) resonates with me.
And, on a purely surface level--while I'll admit Brad Pitt is a fine-lookin' man:
Bana + beard + six months of working out + conviction of character = sensory overload for Alexandra.
Perhaps it helps that he kept reminding me of someone I had a mad crush on, some time back...if I'd put him in armor (and that could have been fun).
Scoot over, Ewan McGregor and Mark Ruffalo, to make room for my newest boyfriend.
Had occasion to revisit Donnie Darko this evening as my own melancholy film immersion, for reasons of my own. The final song resonates here:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world
Mad world
That song, and the album it comes from (The Hurting, Tears for Fears) has carried me through some of my darkest hours.
Very appropriate. Thank you.
Sorry to hear your 'not so great'. I too feel like I’m at the bottom of a very deep hole and honestly have no idea how I'm going to get out...life is really hard these days.
I too once was asked by a friend of mine in High School to go with her and a few of her friends to the 'viewing' of her boyfriend who had committed suicide, and I too had that feeling of deep, heavy sadness mixed with a feeling that I really shouldn't have been there. It was way too much...and the looks we got from the guys group of friends, who I did not know, was quite difficult to handle. In the end, I was happy to be there for my friend during a really rough time, but if I had to do it over again I probably would have stayed outside for 'support'.
Take care Alexandra.
In this case, I did want to be there, to support my friend and his family. I believe they were grateful for all who showed up, but for myself, the feeling was just so inexplicable...what do you say, what do you do? Nothing, nothing can help. I just wanted my friend to know that I'm there for him, and that was accomplished, despite my own feelings of intrusiveness.
Feeling a bit better today, but the sadness lingers, of course. I hope you dig out of your hole soon--it would be a shame for you to stay there.
Actually, just to clarify, I did want to be there ‘for her’ because she asked, and we did become better friends after because of it…but not knowing the guy or his family and friends made me feel like I was barely welcome. If that. A very uncomfortable situation…and very sad. I can still ‘feel’ the feeling of that room…
As for me…well, thanks for sayin…
I understand your clarification. That sort of situation with the family/friends would be incredibly awkward. Lots of palpable emotions in that room, no doubt, and people who were ready to pin blame on her, and her friends. It's sad that that happens sometimes, but I guess in people's search for answers to something as soul-shattering as suicide, they'll latch onto the easiest target.
And you're welcome, for sayin'! :)
Axe-
Thanks for coming to the visitation. I was genuinely surprised and grateful for all of my friends who showed up... most not even knowing my brother.
It was an exhausting day. It took me several days to feel sort of like myself again.
I was supposed to have a date with a new gal the other day. BUT... a mutual acquaintance (some busy-body bitch who can't mind her own fucking bizness) called her and told her about my brother's demise. She freaked out & cancelled our date after that. That sorta pissed me off... I wasn't even going to mention my brother on our date.
Oh well... life goes on... whether yer ready for it or not.
Again, thanks for coming by. It helped.
Oh, did Eric Bana ever turn into the Hulk in "Troy?"
That would have been cool.
Percy --
First of all, you're welcome, as strange as that may sound, given the circumstances. I wish I could have attended the funeral too; I wish there was more I could have done, in general. Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. I'm sure it will ebb and flow, for some time to come.
Secondly, despite the busybody, sounds like your potential date did you a favor. Anyone whose substance is so minimal that they would cancel a date over learning of your situation isn't worth shit, in my opinion. Somebody who is so full of self-interest and fear doesn't need to be in your life. You can (and will) do better.
And finally, damn!--that would have been cool. Bana turning green and kicking the shit out of Brad Pitt...I woulda paid cash money to see that. I was never interested in The Hulk till now. I'd watch Bana turn any color. :)
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